1. All my Life with Tara Bansal
“I hope this is going to be fun and I hope that we’re going to learn together and to share the exploration. Doing this podcast is part of my exploration and wanting to learn more and wanting to, I hope, encourage and motivate others to take some risks, to try some new things. ”
Premier episode of our podcast, "Messy Middlescence" featuring the introduction of one of our hosts, Tara (Conti) Bansal.
In this episode:
We discuss why we decided to do this podcast
Where the name came from
Why we are different
Learn about Tara's background and where she is now in her life
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[00:21] Christina Donovan: Are you between the ages of 40 and 60?
[00:25] Christina Donovan: Do you feel the need for change in your life but are not sure why or when or how? Do you feel a pressure of running out of time? Do you spend most of your time doing things that are not important to you anymore? These are all symptoms or characteristics of middlescence. And this is our podcast. Messy middlescence.
[00:48] Tara Bansal: Hi, I am Tara Conti Bansal, and I'm here with my sister, Christina Conti Donovan. We're two sisters smack in the middle of middle age. I'm 53 and my sister, who I call Tina, is 55. This is our premier episode of our podcast, Messy Middle Essence. So, welcome. Why are we doing this podcast? It's the result of countless conversations between Tina and I, our siblings, our friends, as well as a topic of fascination and reading countless articles, books and research about these middle years between youth and old age. I am a life coach and love to read self help books, so I have read a lot. And this year, 2023, I wanted to take a class and I feel like just by divine intervention, I stumbled across a class called Navigating Midlife Transitions through the Modern Elder Academy. And this is the first time I heard the term it. It made a lot of sense to me and they talk about the similarities between adolescence and middleescence and a little bit of the history. In the past hundred years, lives have been pretty linear and you spend your 1st 20 years learning, then generally the next 20 to 40 years earning and then you went into old age. And in 1900, the average life expectancy was 47 and now the average life expectancy is 80 plus. So we have gained many decades into our lives and this time period, the Modern Elder Academy, I don't know if they're the ones that came up with the term, is called Middle Essence. And there's so many changes during this time, both physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and with your family, with your friends. And there's a lot of common themes that Tina and I have heard from each other and our friends. And before taking this class, I thought I was going to write a book and focus on legacy because that is something I've been very interested in for a long time now. And this class helped narrow the lens of legacy to more around meaning and the shifts and changes that are happening in Middle Essence. So that is a little bit of the history and we feel like it is messy and we're going to talk about the different phases of change and Middle Essence. We hope this will be interesting and you learn something and can relate to our own exploration of where we are in this time of our life.
[04:49] Christina Donovan: In this first episode, we want to give you a little background on each of us. So to start with, I'm going to ask some questions and interview my sister Tara. And the first thing we'd like to know is.
[05:10] Christina Donovan: What is your story, Tara? What would you like us to know about you?
[05:18] Tara Bansal: Part of this comes from Brene Brown, so I want to give her credit for that. And I like this question in Brene Brown fashion. I was born in Derby, Pennsylvania, and I was the third daughter of seven, and I just remember my childhood as being super loving and fun and idealitic. We had fun together as a family. I love to learn, love to learn. Even back then, and did well at school, I put a lot of pressure on myself, I feel like, to do well at school. My family would laugh that I would say I failed a test, and then I would still get an A. But in my mind, I don't know. I do consider myself a recovering perfectionist. Our family was very sports oriented. I did gymnastics. I ran track. We all swam. We moved around a lot, so we moved almost every four years. I started kindergarten at Berkeley Heights, New Jersey. We moved to Summit, New Jersey. Then I went to junior high in Hudson, Ohio. And then we moved to Upper St. Clair outside of Pittsburgh for high school. And then I went to Lafayette College, which it's interesting. Tina also was there, and I started as a chemistry major. I was good at math and science and didn't know what I wanted to do. You'll see, that's a common theme. So I started chemistry freshman year. I did physics, and I did well in physics, and people said, if you could do physics, you should be an engineer. So I switched from chemistry to engineering to chemical engineering, and that was my major. That's what I graduated with. In hindsight, I should never have been a chemical engineer. But I learned a lot, and I liked the logic of problem solving, and I still use those skills as a financial planner, I thought I wanted to teach at the college level, so my idea was to get my PhD. And then hopefully teach at a school like Lafayette was what I thought. I hated research. I went to Virginia Tech and started doing research in biochem. I did not like it. Just got my master's. And then I switched and got my MBA in finance, which was a million times easier for me than mechanical engineering. I really struggled to pass my PhD qualifiers, and that was a big deal. I was, I think, the only one who failed the qualifiers the first year, and I had to take it a second time. And as a perfectionist, that felt like a huge failure for me. I did pass the second time. I still feel like they just passed me to keep me moving along. I don't know that I really deserve to pass, but when I think back, I like science and I like problem solving, but my true love is around people and relationships. And after finishing my two Masters, I moved to Atlanta and worked for Anderson Consulting, which was a really good job. It was a big taught. They had structure and kind of gave a good foundation, I felt like, for corporations and learning and mentoring. I loved the people there. Tina also worked as a consultant, but as a consultant you work a lot and you're at the mercy of the project. And I kept trying to figure out what do I want to be when I grow up? And I read stephen Covey's seven habits of highly effective people. And that was a turning point for me, that it was like, this is what I want to do. I want to help people live a better life and enjoy their life, but help have a positive impact to their family and those around them. One other piece to this was in graduate school I got married and that marriage did not work out for me. Going through that divorce was the hardest thing I feel like I've been through. And in hindsight, one thing I've learned with this class is I wish someone had told me that it would take so long to get through that emotionally. And I'm still obviously get upset about it, but I did get through it and moved to San Francisco, I feel like for a couple of years to heal. And then I moved back to the East Coast because I wanted to have a relationship with my nieces and nephews. I wasn't sure if I would have kids. I was 35 at that point and that was important to me. So I moved to Princeton and I started working. I went to life coaching school sorry, out in San Francisco, trying to pursue the Seven Habits of Highly Effective people, trying to help people. And I liked what I learned. I think it was helpful for me. I think a lot of life coaches coach like they go through it to figure and improve their own lives. Also I came east coast. Started learning about financial planning. I was very interested in life planning with George Kinder and you'll hear some parts of we. The thinking was life coaching. Life planning is the same as financial planning, and money is often the obstacle for people doing what they want. I think part of that is true, not entirely. My true love is still more on the big picture, life planning, life coaching side. I like and have done both. I am currently working at Princeton Global here in Princeton. I started during COVID and I work part time. They are so good to me in being respectful of part time and letting me continue to learn and grow. I primarily do financial plans for ultra high net worth people. So like 7 million, 10 million and up. And I think what's hard for me is I am a good planner, but it's not what lights me up. And so part of this podcast is me taking my own advice of trying to follow and do more of what does light me up, and that's talking to people and asking questions and trying to help those around me. An important part. I can't believe I didn't mention this. In 2009, I married Nimit. We went to high school together and we were great friends. He was at my first wedding, I was at his first wedding and I don't know, he's my best friend, he's the best part of my life. And we have two boys. Alex is nine and Nathan is eleven. And so you'll hear me talk a lot about that. And part of, I think a similarity for most of the women around me is I want my family to be my priority and that's part of why I only work part time, yet I also wanted to work some and trying to juggle that and figure that out has been kind of this twisty turny path. But my family is super important to me and I don't know. You'll hear that, I think, as we continue this podcast, I love to read. As I said, I read a lot of self help books. I like taking classes and I know that was long winded, but that's kind of where I am. What did I miss? Tina.
[15:48] Christina Donovan: I don't think you missed really anything except you're not going to talk about them.
[15:55] Tara Bansal: But.
[15:58] Christina Donovan: You spent more time talking maybe about your failures than about graduating magna *** laude or all these wonderful things that you have done. You kind of glossed over and highlighted some of the more difficult parts of your yeah, I mean, I get it.
[16:15] Tara Bansal: You'Re not going to go on and.
[16:18] Christina Donovan: On about the things that you have been successful at, but you've done so many successful things that are really difficult. Graduating magna cumade from chemical engineering is pretty impressive. You were valedictorian of your high school class. These aren't minor achievements if you ask me.
[16:40] Tara Bansal: Yeah, but it's funny that I don't even really think about that.
[16:44] Christina Donovan: I suppose I think that says something about your personality, though. What would you say right now.
[16:55] Tara Bansal: On.
[16:56] Christina Donovan: A scale of one to ten, how do you rate your happiness?
[17:03] Tara Bansal: I'd give me a seven or an eight. I feel like I'm pretty happy and probably almost the happiest I've been.
[17:20] Christina Donovan: That was my next question. Like, how do you feel like this compares happiness wise to other periods in your life?
[17:30] Tara Bansal: I feel like I was really not very happy in my twenty s. I really feel like I struggled partly with the perfectionism and not knowing what to do and then my divorce and that was a really hard time for my life and that carried into my 30s. But I feel like I started figuring things out now. I feel like things have settled down. Being a mother of really young kids was way harder than I ever imagined. And now my boys are pretty independent. They're still young, but they still can do things. I'll never forget getting rid of the stroller and losing naps and diapers. I still appreciate that. So those who are in that phase, it gets better. And I love talking to my boys. I feel like I need to put this out, like I'm privileged enough that I don't stress about money. And that's part of my trying to focus and pretend like if money is not an issue, what do I want to do? And starting to explore that. And that's part of where this podcast is coming from. This is something I wanted to do. So yeah, I feel like compared to where I've been, not that my life is perfect and not that I don't get upset and worked up about different things, but way better than except for maybe my first ten years where I feel like I just loved everything. Zero to ten seemed so fun and easy and exciting and as I said, kind of idealitic. I don't know how to say that word, but yeah, I feel like things have gotten better for me and yet I'm trying to still figure out what I want to be when I grow up and how to best spend my time and make a difference in the world. Okay.
[19:59] Christina Donovan: So I mean, for you, middleescence isn't necessarily this awful period. It's more a period of figuring things out. Like you wouldn't say you're unhappy right now, just that you don't want to lose happiness in a sense. And you kind of want to maybe have more meaning, bring meaning and productivity.
[20:26] Tara Bansal: To your life and I guess a little more focus or simplification how to do more of what I like and less of what I don't like, I feel like is something I want and I'm an overanalyzer. But the uncertainty for me is figuring out how I want to spend my time, especially around work and career and feeling like I want to make a change and how do I do that?
[21:20] Christina Donovan: What would you say is most important to you right now?
[21:27] Tara Bansal: Taking care of my family and raising hopefully healthy, independent, kind children, helping having good relationship with my family and my friends. That's really important to me. And trying to prioritize that and balancing the purpose and calling or other part of my life that I'm trying to figure out with that. I mean, yeah, go ahead.
[22:18] Christina Donovan: No, because I'm going to move on.
[22:19] Tara Bansal: To another question and I guess also just like taking care of me. I wish I slept better. I think with going through menopause, I'm not sleeping well. That's driving me crazy. My body is changing. That I think is hard. Seeing sometimes how I look in the mirror, clothes fitting differently and accepting that with grace and knowing what to accept and what not to accept. Right. But still wanting to be healthy in a good way. Where it doesn't overtake you and be a negative focus.
[23:13] Christina Donovan: What is a change you're contemplating or a change that you feel like you're currently going through? I mean, it could be one or the other, I guess, or both.
[23:23] Tara Bansal: Yeah, for me it is. It's very much around my work. I feel like I want to make a change and how to do that, what's a good way to use my gifts and enjoy it. And I want to feel valued and appreciated, do so. I don't know. There's a learning curve of my one son asks. One of our favorite questions is what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? And what comes up for me is I'd love to be a writer or a great life coach and I hate the term life coach, but it is to help people. And I would love to do this podcast, like getting to talk with you, Tina, and talk with other people. I love asking questions of people and learning new so. And I also love sharing what I learn. But I feel like I don't know how this is going to go or what the structure besides doing this podcast, how that will work. So that's kind of where because this is one of the first episodes I'm going to talk about in the class. And I think most people know with any change, there's three phases. There's like the ending and then the messy middle, which is part of what we're talking about here, and then a new beginning. And I guess I'm kind of around my work and career is like wanting to end one part and I have no idea exactly what it is I'm going to I guess you could say starting this podcast is a new beginning, but it still feels like just what's the next best step. And yeah, it feels all gooey and uncertain with how this is going to end up. As I said, I like certainty, I like a plan. I'm a planner, but just trying to go with the flow and see what happens, which is not always easy for me.
[26:16] Christina Donovan: Yeah, well, there's a reason we picked the title of this podcast to be Messy Middle Essence.
[26:23] Tara Bansal: It feels messy. Feels messy.
[26:30] Christina Donovan: Or can you even define what you feel like is getting in your way.
[26:35] Tara Bansal: Of.
[26:38] Christina Donovan: Making that mess less messy? Like, what are you struggling with?
[26:43] Tara Bansal: For me, it's a little bit of the pay, right? I'm making good money for the hours I work. I like the people, I feel loyal to them. And yet there's this other part of wanting more freedom to do it my way and not have to kind of go by someone else's rules or someone else's expectations. A big thing for me is a fear of failure, right? Like, I don't want to fail. And there's a part of me like us doing this podcast is a little bit of what's the worst? That right. Like, so we spent some time and gave it a try. But that's part of why doing it with you, Tina, is fun, and doing it with our family is even if it doesn't go anywhere, I'm still doing something that I'm enjoying.
[27:58] Christina Donovan: And we both are probably going to learn things about people that we care about and love. Yeah.
[28:05] Tara Bansal: But I also don't like to fail, and I don't want people to, I guess, think negatively or think I'm a fool or I don't know. Yeah. Part of me wishes I didn't care what people think, but it's hard not to. Also, what else holds me back is I think just time. Figuring out there's lots of things to do every day. And that goes to my question of what's most important, what should I be doing? And trying to prioritize that, yet meeting expectations for others and struggling with that.
[28:59] Christina Donovan: Do you feel a sense of.
[29:08] Tara Bansal: Actually.
[29:08] Christina Donovan: Let me rephrase this. Do you feel a change in the way you perceive time? Like being X number of years old and probably having X number of good working years or productive years? Do you feel a sense of pressure in regards to time or not so much yet?
[29:29] Tara Bansal: Not so much yet. For me, the biggest change time wise is I feel like when I left the financial planning firm and had two young kids, it was like every single minute was scheduled and I was just rushing from one thing to another. And I'll never forget, I think I wrote about this one time what was like, I got to walk my Nathan to school, my older one, and Alex and I could take as long as we wanted to walk home from school when I had quit my job and was in between. And it just felt like this luxury of like, oh, my goodness, I don't have to be somewhere right now. And I feel like from college till probably 2017, my life was like, pushing that hard of every moment, cramming more in. Yeah. And even when I think of from 2017 till now, I'm trying hard to give myself days where I don't have as many things scheduled yet. I'm still like, my to do list is always long and I always want to do more. But having a little more control and giving myself that space to just sit and meet someone for coffee or lunch and enjoy that, I don't know if that so. My perception of time has changed primarily like that, and that's what I want. Yet I think it can be hard that things expand to the time you give them, right of them. Not maybe not getting as much done as I would like. I'm not sure I answered the question exactly the way I still want to accomplish more, but I still feel like I have time.
[32:04] Christina Donovan: You don't necessarily see an endpoint on the horizon. I need to have everything that I want to do done by this point.
[32:17] Tara Bansal: And the other is my personal philosophy is I'm not a big fan of the term retirement or even the concept of retirement, and I like the concept of freedom. Once you don't have to do something, then you get to design it. And that's what I feel like more of us should do. I don't want to stop working. I just want to have the freedom and flexibility to work 15 hours a week, hopefully for many more decades, doing something that I love. So, yeah, until health wise, I feel like I can't do it. I don't plan on ever not doing something, so that may be why.
[33:16] Christina Donovan: I guess. Is there anything else you want to let us know about your life, your path, your hopes?
[33:30] Tara Bansal: I hope this is going to be fun and I hope that we're going to learn together and to share the exploration. Doing this podcast is part of my exploration and wanting to learn more and wanting to, I hope, encourage and motivate others to take some risks, to try some new things. And I don't know, I think going with the fear of failure, of like, sometimes there's a lot to be learned. And if you can change your perspective of that just to focus on the good or what you do learn out.
[34:27] Christina Donovan: Of that, that's probably a good ending point.
[34:33] Christina Donovan: Thank you for listening to our first episode. Hopefully you enjoyed hearing and learning more about Tara, her background, where she is now, and her current struggles. We have just begun to scratch the surface of messy middle lessons and we hope you will join us again as we dive deeper into this unique time in our lives.
[34:53] Tara Bansal: For show notes and other information about our podcast, please go to our website, messymidalescence.com. If you enjoyed listening, please share with others and come back for more.
[35:05] Christina Donovan: And here's a quote from E. Joseph Kossman “Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.”
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Tara Conti Bansal, CFP® is passionate about helping others achieve their goals and live the life of their dreams. She takes an all-inclusive approach to working with clients. What is most important to Tara is helping others get clear on their priorities, set realistic goals, and then achieve what they truly want in life.
Tara owns Positive Impact Consulting, LLC and has been working as a life coach and financial planner since 2005. Tara is a certified life coach from the NLP and Coaching Institute of California.
Tara’s diverse background allows her to serve her clients in a unique way. Her analysis and problem-solving skills learned from her chemical engineering degrees and financial education, the emotional and goal-oriented focus from life coaching, and her CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNING™ knowledge all come together to focus on helping her clients achieve their short and long term goals. Tara is invested in having clients live a fulfilling life knowing that they are on course with their overall life plan.
As one of seven children, family and relationships are extremely important to Tara. She enjoys spending quality time with those she loves and cares about. Tara is also an avid reader who enjoys exercise, good food, traveling, and being outside as much as possible. She lives in Princeton, NJ with her husband, and two sons who keep her busy and laughing.
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Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey
George Kinder and the Kinder Institute of Life Planning
Tara currently works at Princeton Global
Tara’s Blog and website: www.taracbansal.com